How to Handle ProblemsAre you feeling as surrounded by problems as a superhero by bad villains? Maybe you just have one big problem but you don't know how to solve it. Whether you're struggling with your significant other or you're in danger of losing your job, there are a few steps that you can take to get your problems under control.
1. Avoid behaviors that make the problem worse. When you're having a problem with someone, whether it's a significant other or just a friend, sometimes it's easy to do things that make the problem worse before you have the chance to make them better.
For example, if you're having a fight with your girlfriend because she thinks you cheated on her (even if you didn't), don't make the problem worse by spending a lot of time out being social with other girls. This will only make you look worse and make it harder to argue with her from the moral high ground. Instead, take a vacation from people until you work things out with her.
Another example for a problem with a friend is if your best friend is mad at you for blowing off their party in order to spend time with someone else. In this situation, you'll want to avoid seeming distant or disinterested in their feelings. Instead, try to do something nice for them.
2. Be clear about what the problem is. Before trying to argue with someone and come to a solution for whatever the problem is that the two of you are having, make sure you understand what's really bothering them first. Sometimes people seem mad about one thing but really they're mad about something else. If you want to really fix the problem, it's a good idea to make sure you're working on the right problem first.
For example, your boyfriend might say that he's mad you decided to go to the big state school in the next town over instead of going to the local college with him. Of course, you'll still be able to see each other all the time and date without serious problems: what he's really worried about is that all that time off on your own will lead you to meet someone new.
3. Try to see the other perspectives. When you're fighting with someone it's easy to feel that you're right or your way of doing something is best. You're working with your own brain after all. However, people rarely argue with you just to be contrary. They're doing the best that they can with what they know and the situation might look very different from their perspective. Try seeing things from their side of the field in order to help you find a way to meet in the middle.
Sometimes, if you're having a hard time understanding their perspective, it can be really helpful to just ask them. Ask them to explain, at length, why they think it would be better to take another route. Say something like: "Can you explain your thinking to me? I’d really like to know better." By walking through their feelings and thought process, you can often gain a better understanding of the problem and how to solve it.
4. Make sure they feel respected and in control. When people feel disrespected or cornered, they will often become more argumentative and combative, even if they would normally agree with you. If you see a personal situation developing, try taking steps to make that person feel like they have more control and that they are respected. You will find that suddenly they are much more willing to talk.
For example, you'll want to dial back your language. Don't insult them or use accusatory language like "you should have ______".
Make them feel in control by giving them choices or options, as well as doing things like coming up with what they think is a fair solution to the problem.
5. Talk it out. Once you've taken those basic first steps towards solving the problem, you should start really talking through a solution. Communication is key here and communication is more than just telling them what you think. You'll want to think before you speak, being careful to think about how what you say comes across. You'll also want to be a really good listener, really focusing on what they're saying and working to understand them.
For these serious, problem-solving conversations, you should generally set aside a large chunk of time and meet in a place that's private and quiet. This will remove distractions and things which add more stress.
Talking it out also shows the other person that you have put a priority on making things right, which can earn you some points and soften them up for finding a solution.
6. Find a middle ground. The solution to more interpersonal conflicts will be a middle ground. This means you're going to have to stop seeing things in black and white. Don't see "my way" and "their way". You're both great people and you have so much to offer each other, so instead talk it out and find "our way" instead.
For example, if your girlfriend is upset because you can't agree which family to spend Christmas with, you can propose a third option: spending the week before Christmas with her family, the week after with your family, and the day itself with just each other.
For example, if your friend is upset because they want to take one class with you but you want to take another class instead, you can suggest that you keep your classes separate but both take a study period that you can spend together studying in the library.
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